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访客帖子:与孩子进行令人难以置信的对话的六个简单步骤

Jane Gilmour和Bettina Hohnen是临床心理学家和对神经心理学感兴趣的专家学者。他们热衷于为父母提供与孩子建立良好关系的工具。在这篇客座文章中,他们分享了六个步骤,帮助你与孩子进行令人难以置信的对话。

通过简·吉尔摩和贝蒂娜·霍南|最后更新2021年10月19日

Jane Gilmour and Bettina Hohnen are clinical psychologists and academics with a specialist interest in neuropsychology. They're passionate about giving parents the tools to build great relationships with their children. In this guest post they share six steps to help you have incredible conversations with your kids.\u00a0<\/p>","value":"

Jane Gilmour and Bettina Hohnen are clinical psychologists and academics with a specialist interest in neuropsychology. They're passionate about giving parents the tools to build great relationships with their children. In this guest post they share six steps to help you have incredible conversations with your kids.\u00a0<\/p>"},{"meta_id":2198945,"post_id":26899,"meta_key":"_standfirst","meta_value":"field_5fd780c885c09","value":"field_5fd780c885c09"},{"meta_id":2198946,"post_id":26899,"meta_key":"content_author","meta_value":"26895","value":"26895"},{"meta_id":2198947,"post_id":26899,"meta_key":"_content_author","meta_value":"field_5fdb87f664347","value":"field_5fdb87f664347"},{"meta_id":2198948,"post_id":26899,"meta_key":"hero_image","meta_value":"26913","value":"26913"},{"meta_id":2198949,"post_id":26899,"meta_key":"_hero_image","meta_value":"field_6001cf71533a1","value":"field_6001cf71533a1"},{"meta_id":2198950,"post_id":26899,"meta_key":"hide_hero_image","meta_value":"0","value":"0"},{"meta_id":2198951,"post_id":26899,"meta_key":"_hide_hero_image","meta_value":"field_60d1d0f4ff62b","value":"field_60d1d0f4ff62b"},{"meta_id":2198952,"post_id":26899,"meta_key":"body_news_body_0_content","meta_value":"

Conversation lies at the heart of well-being, it strengthens relationships and with that comes improved mental and physical health, greater longevity, better academic results and even a higher income. The bottom line? The capacity to converse meaningfully means a longer, better life so as a parent, teaching your child how to form strong relationships is the greatest gift you can give them.\u00a0 Of course, these skills don\u2019t form overnight (nothing worthwhile ever does) try these six steps and use them with patience and kindness at home and in time you will see your child learn about themselves and connect to others in a new way\u2026 and you will feel like a total rock star.<\/p>

Step 1. You Say It Best When You Say Nothing At All<\/h2>

Sshhh ! The first step is practical, do-able but it might surprise you. One of the most important steps in having incredible conversations is to leave space for your child to talk. Staying quiet might seem a counter intuitive tip, but it is the foundation of good communication.\u00a0 If your child falters as they are talking, say something like \u2018tell me more\u2019 but try hard not to stop their flow (keep a finger on your lips if you have to).\u00a0 After a bit you might paraphrase back what you\u2019ve heard your child say. This does two things: first it shows your child you\u2019ve really heard them and second, they can \u2018listen back\u2019 to their own thoughts, ideas and dilemmas without judgement, and that develops self-awareness which is a very hot topic in the mental health literature right now.<\/p>

Step 2.\u00a0 I\u2019ll Be There\u00a0<\/h2>

This step is gold dust. Imagine your child told you they were left out at playtime, which is very hard to hear as a parent, because all we want is for our kids to be happy - but life isn\u2019t always like that, so we have to buckle up and absorb the tough times with our child. Parents sometimes tell us they don\u2019t know how to react when their child tells them something upsetting but here\u2019s what to do \u2013 just be with them when they tell you something hard to hear. In practical terms, it means avoid shutting down talk of hard emotions and experiences.\u00a0<\/p>

Brain science shows that experiencing and naming difficult emotions with a trusted person is key to developing emotional literacy and life-long well-being. Some parents want to erase it (\u201cDon\u2019t say that!\u2019), others try and problem solve (\u201cOk, here\u2019s what you do tomorrow at break\u2026\u2019) but actually your best initial move is to empathise, which in this case would go something like this; \u201cThat sucks, it sounds really hard.\u201d There is very strong evidence that showing empathy in this way is an important bonding stage in relationships. Once the emotion is shared, then and only then you might go to problem solving (if it is a persistent problem) but more often than not, making a connection using empathy is all that is required.<\/p>

Step 3. Best Mistake<\/h2>

The next step is a mindset shift, and a really powerful one. Wrap your head around this: listening is not the same as agreeing. It is a liberating game changer for family relationships. When your child makes a mistake (like being mean) resist the urge to tell them off in a raised voice because that is likely to make them feel ashamed. In any intense emotional state the brain just can\u2019t think or reflect because all the brain activity leaves the thinking part of the brain (frontal lobes) so that it can activate the feeling part of the brain (the amygdala). You can still help your child understand what\u2019s OK and what not OK without using a harsh tone. Having these conversations in a measured and warm context means your child will be able to hear you because calm brains communicate best.<\/p>

We know this is true because neuroscience tells us so. Having made a mistake, kids are very likely to know already that they have messed up, so it\u2019s often redundant to tell them that, but if you offer a place to talk about it then you give them the chance to learn and understand at a much deeper level.\u00a0 Not sold yet? Here\u2019s the clincher for pre-teen parents\u2026 your relationship with your teenager is the best means (and sometimes the only means) you have to parent your adolescent child as they explore the world without you. If your teen has learnt that they can bring their mistakes home (and not just be punished for them) then you can help them figure out what happened and how it happened and so they are more likely to avoid similar issues in the future. Conversation is a \u2018sorting space\u2019, as neuroscientist Dan Seigel once said.\u00a0 Think about it like this: when you do a jigsaw, you need to lay all the pieces out on a table, look at them carefully and sort through them so that you can make sense of the picture and piece the puzzle together.\u00a0<\/p>

Step 4. (You Make Me Feel) Mighty Real<\/h2>

Conversations take many forms, but one key tip is to use real things as an analogy or metaphor, particularly for pre-teens. This is because children find it hard to relate to abstract concepts and they sometimes lack the vocabulary to express an idea, although they can surely experience and inhabit that same idea. Drawing it out is a superb way of helping younger kids describe and understand the world because it\u2019s perfect for their \u2018concrete\u2019 stage of development, there is less demand on memory and it is (dare we say it?) a bit more interesting.<\/p>

Here\u2019s an example to illustrate what we mean and one that even very young primary school aged kids will be able to grasp. At the top of the mountain is the best you\u2019ve ever felt, and right down in the deep pit at the foot of the mountain, is the worst. Ask your child to make a mark anywhere from the summit to the bottom of the pit to show how they feel right now. You can explore this idea further using your \u2018visual prop\u2019 by asking about a time they were in the pit (remember Step 2), what would have to happen so that they moved just a tiny bit up towards the summit, how they felt yesterday and so on. You don\u2019t need expensive art materials; you can draw a line with shaving foam on the side of the bath, use a strand of spaghetti at teatime but make it a \u2018real thing\u2019 because that way you are much more likely to engage your child in the ideas you are discussing. It opens up a whole new world of meaningful communication.\u00a0<\/p>","value":"

Conversation lies at the heart of well-being, it strengthens relationships and with that comes improved mental and physical health, greater longevity, better academic results and even a higher income. The bottom line? The capacity to converse meaningfully means a longer, better life so as a parent, teaching your child how to form strong relationships is the greatest gift you can give them.\u00a0 Of course, these skills don\u2019t form overnight (nothing worthwhile ever does) try these six steps and use them with patience and kindness at home and in time you will see your child learn about themselves and connect to others in a new way\u2026 and you will feel like a total rock star.<\/p>

Step 1. You Say It Best When You Say Nothing At All<\/h2>

Sshhh ! The first step is practical, do-able but it might surprise you. One of the most important steps in having incredible conversations is to leave space for your child to talk. Staying quiet might seem a counter intuitive tip, but it is the foundation of good communication.\u00a0 If your child falters as they are talking, say something like \u2018tell me more\u2019 but try hard not to stop their flow (keep a finger on your lips if you have to).\u00a0 After a bit you might paraphrase back what you\u2019ve heard your child say. This does two things: first it shows your child you\u2019ve really heard them and second, they can \u2018listen back\u2019 to their own thoughts, ideas and dilemmas without judgement, and that develops self-awareness which is a very hot topic in the mental health literature right now.<\/p>

Step 2.\u00a0 I\u2019ll Be There\u00a0<\/h2>

This step is gold dust. Imagine your child told you they were left out at playtime, which is very hard to hear as a parent, because all we want is for our kids to be happy - but life isn\u2019t always like that, so we have to buckle up and absorb the tough times with our child. Parents sometimes tell us they don\u2019t know how to react when their child tells them something upsetting but here\u2019s what to do \u2013 just be with them when they tell you something hard to hear. In practical terms, it means avoid shutting down talk of hard emotions and experiences.\u00a0<\/p>

Brain science shows that experiencing and naming difficult emotions with a trusted person is key to developing emotional literacy and life-long well-being. Some parents want to erase it (\u201cDon\u2019t say that!\u2019), others try and problem solve (\u201cOk, here\u2019s what you do tomorrow at break\u2026\u2019) but actually your best initial move is to empathise, which in this case would go something like this; \u201cThat sucks, it sounds really hard.\u201d There is very strong evidence that showing empathy in this way is an important bonding stage in relationships. Once the emotion is shared, then and only then you might go to problem solving (if it is a persistent problem) but more often than not, making a connection using empathy is all that is required.<\/p>

Step 3. Best Mistake<\/h2>

The next step is a mindset shift, and a really powerful one. Wrap your head around this: listening is not the same as agreeing. It is a liberating game changer for family relationships. When your child makes a mistake (like being mean) resist the urge to tell them off in a raised voice because that is likely to make them feel ashamed. In any intense emotional state the brain just can\u2019t think or reflect because all the brain activity leaves the thinking part of the brain (frontal lobes) so that it can activate the feeling part of the brain (the amygdala). You can still help your child understand what\u2019s OK and what not OK without using a harsh tone. Having these conversations in a measured and warm context means your child will be able to hear you because calm brains communicate best.<\/p>

We know this is true because neuroscience tells us so. Having made a mistake, kids are very likely to know already that they have messed up, so it\u2019s often redundant to tell them that, but if you offer a place to talk about it then you give them the chance to learn and understand at a much deeper level.\u00a0 Not sold yet? Here\u2019s the clincher for pre-teen parents\u2026 your relationship with your teenager is the best means (and sometimes the only means) you have to parent your adolescent child as they explore the world without you. If your teen has learnt that they can bring their mistakes home (and not just be punished for them) then you can help them figure out what happened and how it happened and so they are more likely to avoid similar issues in the future. Conversation is a \u2018sorting space\u2019, as neuroscientist Dan Seigel once said.\u00a0 Think about it like this: when you do a jigsaw, you need to lay all the pieces out on a table, look at them carefully and sort through them so that you can make sense of the picture and piece the puzzle together.\u00a0<\/p>

Step 4. (You Make Me Feel) Mighty Real<\/h2>

Conversations take many forms, but one key tip is to use real things as an analogy or metaphor, particularly for pre-teens. This is because children find it hard to relate to abstract concepts and they sometimes lack the vocabulary to express an idea, although they can surely experience and inhabit that same idea. Drawing it out is a superb way of helping younger kids describe and understand the world because it\u2019s perfect for their \u2018concrete\u2019 stage of development, there is less demand on memory and it is (dare we say it?) a bit more interesting.<\/p>

Here\u2019s an example to illustrate what we mean and one that even very young primary school aged kids will be able to grasp. At the top of the mountain is the best you\u2019ve ever felt, and right down in the deep pit at the foot of the mountain, is the worst. Ask your child to make a mark anywhere from the summit to the bottom of the pit to show how they feel right now. You can explore this idea further using your \u2018visual prop\u2019 by asking about a time they were in the pit (remember Step 2), what would have to happen so that they moved just a tiny bit up towards the summit, how they felt yesterday and so on. You don\u2019t need expensive art materials; you can draw a line with shaving foam on the side of the bath, use a strand of spaghetti at teatime but make it a \u2018real thing\u2019 because that way you are much more likely to engage your child in the ideas you are discussing. It opens up a whole new world of meaningful communication.\u00a0<\/p>"},{"meta_id":2198953,"post_id":26899,"meta_key":"_body_news_body_0_content","meta_value":"field_5ff5e32e00b35","value":"field_5ff5e32e00b35"},{"meta_id":2198954,"post_id":26899,"meta_key":"body_news_body","meta_value":"a:4:{i:0;s:7:\"content\";i:1;s:3:\"mpu\";i:2;s:7:\"content\";i:3;s:5:\"image\";}","value":["content","mpu","content","image"]},{"meta_id":2198955,"post_id":26899,"meta_key":"_body_news_body","meta_value":"field_5ff5e30b00b34","value":"field_5ff5e30b00b34"},{"meta_id":2198956,"post_id":26899,"meta_key":"body_news","meta_value":"","value":""},{"meta_id":2198957,"post_id":26899,"meta_key":"_body_news","meta_value":"field_5ff718211989b","value":"field_5ff718211989b"},{"meta_id":2198958,"post_id":26899,"meta_key":"default_hub","meta_value":"8067","value":"8067"},{"meta_id":2198959,"post_id":26899,"meta_key":"_default_hub","meta_value":"field_5fd780c885d66","value":"field_5fd780c885d66"},{"meta_id":2198960,"post_id":26899,"meta_key":"hub_data_hub_image","meta_value":"","value":""},{"meta_id":2198961,"post_id":26899,"meta_key":"_hub_data_hub_image","meta_value":"field_5ff46fa656d18","value":"field_5ff46fa656d18"},{"meta_id":2198962,"post_id":26899,"meta_key":"hub_data_hub_title","meta_value":"How to have incredible conversations with your kids ","value":"How to have incredible conversations with your kids "},{"meta_id":2198963,"post_id":26899,"meta_key":"_hub_data_hub_title","meta_value":"field_5ff847a9e8dce","value":"field_5ff847a9e8dce"},{"meta_id":2198964,"post_id":26899,"meta_key":"hub_data_hub_teaser_text","meta_value":"","value":""},{"meta_id":2198965,"post_id":26899,"meta_key":"_hub_data_hub_teaser_text","meta_value":"field_5ff8686325fd2","value":"field_5ff8686325fd2"},{"meta_id":2198966,"post_id":26899,"meta_key":"hub_data","meta_value":"","value":""},{"meta_id":2198967,"post_id":26899,"meta_key":"_hub_data","meta_value":"field_5ff4706a922dc","value":"field_5ff4706a922dc"},{"meta_id":2198968,"post_id":26899,"meta_key":"manual_related_links","meta_value":"a:3:{i:0;s:5:\"25405\";i:1;s:4:\"7286\";i:2;s:4:\"7926\";}","value":["25405","7286","7926"]},{"meta_id":2198969,"post_id":26899,"meta_key":"_manual_related_links","meta_value":"field_5fd780c885fe8","value":"field_5fd780c885fe8"},{"meta_id":2198970,"post_id":26899,"meta_key":"sponsor","meta_value":"","value":""},{"meta_id":2198971,"post_id":26899,"meta_key":"_sponsor","meta_value":"field_5fd780c886084","value":"field_5fd780c886084"},{"meta_id":2198972,"post_id":26899,"meta_key":"second_sponsor","meta_value":"","value":""},{"meta_id":2198973,"post_id":26899,"meta_key":"_second_sponsor","meta_value":"field_614aedd7ee93e","value":"field_614aedd7ee93e"},{"meta_id":2199016,"post_id":26899,"meta_key":"_expiration-date-status","meta_value":"saved","value":"saved"},{"meta_id":2200159,"post_id":26899,"meta_key":"body_news_body_2_content","meta_value":"

Step 5. Every Breath You Take (They\u2019ll Be Watching You)<\/h2>

However old your kids are, they watch and learn from you as you go about your day to day business (yes even teenagers, it\u2019s just that they are brilliant at hiding it). Many years of research reminds us that saying \u2018Do as I say, not as I do\u2019 is pretty pointless. Teaching by example is one of the most powerful parenting techniques around, so step five in your incredible conversation toolkit is to model the very conversation skills you want your child to learn.<\/p>

Some days, mix -it up at school pick-up and tell them about your day, rather than fire questions at them about theirs. If your child is calm, in a good spot, perhaps ready to talk but not sure how to begin, describe your dilemmas and difficult emotions as well as your triumphs.\u00a0 That way you\u2019re teaching them that everything is on the conversation agenda in your family (though of course the degree to which you share will be moderated as you are the grown-up in the conversation).\u00a0<\/p>

Step 6. Don\u2019t Give Up\u00a0<\/h2>

Communication skills are a work in progress so unless we practice, we can\u2019t develop these abilities. Infants and toddlers only become fluent in language if they hear it and have had the chance to practice it regularly with you. The same is true for learning the art of meaningful conversation - the sort of conversation that cements relationships. Repeat, repeat, repeat is the mantra of any neuroscientist describing skill formation. It takes about four months to create a good habit so use these six steps to create a conversation habit with your child and ta-dah!\u00a0 \u2026. a few years down the line you will have helped your young person become self-aware and form life-long healthy relationships with partners, friends and colleagues.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>

Not every conversation will go smoothly even if you get it \u2018right\u2019 in terms of the tone and setting we have described in these six steps. Sometimes, it will go pear shaped anyway but every single genuine bid that you make to connect with your child will be filed carefully in their \u2018how to form a relationship\u2019 database. It all counts, it all adds up and it all matters. So pat yourself on the back for having had a go or better yet notice together with your child that you both tried even if it didn\u2019t go to plan today and\u2026 Boom! You\u2019ve just had an incredible conversation.<\/p>","value":"

Step 5. Every Breath You Take (They\u2019ll Be Watching You)<\/h2>

However old your kids are, they watch and learn from you as you go about your day to day business (yes even teenagers, it\u2019s just that they are brilliant at hiding it). Many years of research reminds us that saying \u2018Do as I say, not as I do\u2019 is pretty pointless. Teaching by example is one of the most powerful parenting techniques around, so step five in your incredible conversation toolkit is to model the very conversation skills you want your child to learn.<\/p>

Some days, mix -it up at school pick-up and tell them about your day, rather than fire questions at them about theirs. If your child is calm, in a good spot, perhaps ready to talk but not sure how to begin, describe your dilemmas and difficult emotions as well as your triumphs.\u00a0 That way you\u2019re teaching them that everything is on the conversation agenda in your family (though of course the degree to which you share will be moderated as you are the grown-up in the conversation).\u00a0<\/p>

Step 6. Don\u2019t Give Up\u00a0<\/h2>

Communication skills are a work in progress so unless we practice, we can\u2019t develop these abilities. Infants and toddlers only become fluent in language if they hear it and have had the chance to practice it regularly with you. The same is true for learning the art of meaningful conversation - the sort of conversation that cements relationships. Repeat, repeat, repeat is the mantra of any neuroscientist describing skill formation. It takes about four months to create a good habit so use these six steps to create a conversation habit with your child and ta-dah!\u00a0 \u2026. a few years down the line you will have helped your young person become self-aware and form life-long healthy relationships with partners, friends and colleagues.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>

Not every conversation will go smoothly even if you get it \u2018right\u2019 in terms of the tone and setting we have described in these six steps. Sometimes, it will go pear shaped anyway but every single genuine bid that you make to connect with your child will be filed carefully in their \u2018how to form a relationship\u2019 database. It all counts, it all adds up and it all matters. So pat yourself on the back for having had a go or better yet notice together with your child that you both tried even if it didn\u2019t go to plan today and\u2026 Boom! You\u2019ve just had an incredible conversation.<\/p>"},{"meta_id":2200160,"post_id":26899,"meta_key":"_body_news_body_2_content","meta_value":"field_5ff5e32e00b35","value":"field_5ff5e32e00b35"},{"meta_id":2200507,"post_id":26899,"meta_key":"body_news_body_1_id","meta_value":"1","value":"1"},{"meta_id":2200508,"post_id":26899,"meta_key":"_body_news_body_1_id","meta_value":"field_605356a45ac1b","value":"field_605356a45ac1b"},{"meta_id":2200509,"post_id":26899,"meta_key":"body_news_body_3_title","meta_value":"","value":""},{"meta_id":2200510,"post_id":26899,"meta_key":"_body_news_body_3_title","meta_value":"field_602a92c901c21","value":"field_602a92c901c21"},{"meta_id":2200511,"post_id":26899,"meta_key":"body_news_body_3_image_image","meta_value":"26912","value":"26912"},{"meta_id":2200512,"post_id":26899,"meta_key":"_body_news_body_3_image_image","meta_value":"field_5ff70e497941a","value":"field_5ff70e497941a"},{"meta_id":2200513,"post_id":26899,"meta_key":"body_news_body_3_image_text","meta_value":"

Jane Gilmour and Bettina Hohnen are clinical psychologists and academics with a specialist interest in neuropsychology. Their new book, How to Have Incredible Conversations With Your Child<\/a>, is out 21 Oct published by Jessica Kingsley \u00a314.99.\u00a0 See their Instagram page @incredibleconversation<\/a> for more details and for more advice listen their podcast Our Kids in Mind<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>","value":"

Jane Gilmour and Bettina Hohnen are clinical psychologists and academics with a specialist interest in neuropsychology. Their new book, How to Have Incredible Conversations With Your Child<\/a>, is out 21 Oct published by Jessica Kingsley \u00a314.99.\u00a0 See their Instagram page @incredibleconversation<\/a> for more details and for more advice listen their podcast Our Kids in Mind<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>"},{"meta_id":2200514,"post_id":26899,"meta_key":"_body_news_body_3_image_text","meta_value":"field_60103b17570e9","value":"field_60103b17570e9"},{"meta_id":2200515,"post_id":26899,"meta_key":"body_news_body_3_image_width","meta_value":"full","value":"full"},{"meta_id":2200516,"post_id":26899,"meta_key":"_body_news_body_3_image_width","meta_value":"field_5ff70e497941b","value":"field_5ff70e497941b"},{"meta_id":2200517,"post_id":26899,"meta_key":"body_news_body_3_image","meta_value":"","value":""},{"meta_id":2200518,"post_id":26899,"meta_key":"_body_news_body_3_image","meta_value":"field_5ff70e4979419","value":"field_5ff70e4979419"},{"meta_id":2206384,"post_id":26899,"meta_key":"_wp_old_slug","meta_value":"guest-post-six-simple-steps-for-incredible-conversations-with-your-kids","value":"guest-post-six-simple-steps-for-incredible-conversations-with-your-kids"}],"taxonomies":[{"term_taxonomy_id":58,"term_id":58,"taxonomy":"category","description":"","parent":0,"count":142,"pivot":{"object_id":26899,"term_taxonomy_id":58},"term":{"term_id":58,"name":"Parenting","slug":"parenting","term_group":0}},{"term_taxonomy_id":61,"term_id":61,"taxonomy":"category","description":"","parent":0,"count":45,"pivot":{"object_id":26899,"term_taxonomy_id":61},"term":{"term_id":61,"name":"News","slug":"news","term_group":0}}],"thumbnail":null}">

妈妈和她的孩子愉快地交谈

交谈是幸福的核心,它能加强人际关系,进而改善身心健康,延长寿命,取得更好的学业成绩,甚至还能带来更高的收入。底线?有意义地交谈的能力意味着更长的、更好的生活,所以作为父母,教会你的孩子如何建立牢固的关系是你能给他们的最好礼物。当然,这些技能不是一夜之间形成的(没有什么值得)试着这六个步骤和使用它们的耐心和仁慈在家里,你将会看到你的孩子了解自己和连接到他人以一种新的方式,你会感觉像一个摇滚明星。

步骤1。当你什么都不说的时候,你表达得最好

Sshhh !第一步是实际可行的,但可能会让你感到惊讶。要进行令人难以置信的对话,最重要的步骤之一就是给你的孩子留下说话的空间。保持安静似乎是一个违背直觉的建议,但它是良好沟通的基础。如果你的孩子在说话时结结巴巴,你可以告诉他们“再告诉我一些”之类的话,但尽量不要阻止他们说话(必要时可以用手指捂住嘴唇)。过一会儿,你可以复述你听到孩子说的话。这有两件事:首先,这表明你真的听过他们的话;其次,他们可以不加评判地“倾听”自己的想法、想法和困境,这发展了自我意识,这是目前心理健康文献中的一个非常热门的话题。

步骤2。我就在那儿

这一步是金粉。想象一下你的孩子告诉你他们离开游戏,这是非常难以听到作为家长,因为我们希望我们的孩子快乐,但生活并不总是这样的,所以我们必须系好安全带,和我们的孩子吸收困难时期。父母有时会告诉我们,当他们的孩子告诉他们一些令人不安的事情时,他们不知道该如何反应,但以下是他们应该做的——当他们告诉你一些难以听到的事情时,和他们在一起。实际上,这意味着避免停止谈论艰难的情绪和经历。

脑科学表明,和一个值得信任的人一起体验并说出困难的情绪是发展情感素养和终身幸福的关键。有些家长想把它抹去(“不要这么说!”),有些家长则试图解决问题(“好吧,这是你明天休息时要做的事情……”),但实际上,你最好的第一步是移情,在这种情况下可能会是这样的;“太糟糕了,听起来真的很难。”有非常有力的证据表明,以这种方式表达同理心是建立人际关系的一个重要阶段。一旦分享了这种情绪,然后,也只有在那时候,你才可能去解决问题(如果这是一个持久的问题),但通常情况下,用同理心建立联系是唯一需要的。

步骤3。最好的错误

下一步是心态的转变,而且是非常强大的转变。仔细想想:倾听和同意不一样。这对家庭关系来说是一种解放性的改变。当你的孩子犯了一个错误(比如很刻薄),克制住大声责备他们的冲动,因为这可能会让他们感到羞愧。在任何强烈的情绪状态下,大脑都无法思考或反映,因为所有的大脑活动都离开了大脑的思考部分(额叶),从而激活了大脑的感觉部分(杏仁核)。你仍然可以帮助你的孩子理解什么是可以的,什么是不可以的,而不用使用严厉的语气。在有节制和温暖的环境中进行这些对话意味着你的孩子将能够听到你的话,因为平静的大脑交流最好。

我们知道这是真的,因为神经科学告诉我们。在犯了错误之后,孩子们很可能已经知道他们搞砸了,所以告诉他们这一点通常是多余的,但如果你提供了一个谈论它的地方,那么你就给了他们一个在更深层次上学习和理解的机会。不是卖了吗?以下是对青春期前的父母的忠告:当你的孩子在没有你的情况下探索世界时,你和你的孩子的关系是最好的(有时是唯一的)方法。如果你的孩子知道他们可以把他们的错误带回家(而不仅仅是惩罚他们),那么你可以帮助他们弄清楚发生了什么,是如何发生的,这样他们就更有可能在未来避免类似的问题。正如神经学家丹·西格尔(Dan Seigel)曾经说过的,谈话是一个“分类空间”。这样想:当你做拼图时,你需要把所有的碎片放在桌子上,仔细地看它们,然后把它们分类,这样你就能理解这幅图,并把拼图拼在一起。

步骤4。(你让我感觉)非常真实

对话有很多种形式,但一个关键的技巧是使用真实的事物作为类比或隐喻,尤其是对十几岁的孩子。这是因为孩子们很难理解抽象的概念,他们有时缺乏表达想法的词汇,尽管他们肯定能体验和体会到相同的想法。把它画出来是帮助年幼的孩子描述和理解世界的绝佳方法,因为这对他们的“具体”发展阶段来说是完美的,对记忆的需求更少,而且(我们敢说吗?)更有趣。

这里有一个例子来说明我们的意思,一个甚至很小的小学年龄的孩子都能理解的例子。在山顶上是你感觉最好的,而在山下的深坑里,是最糟糕的。让你的孩子在从坑顶到坑底的任何地方做个记号,以显示他们现在的感受。你可以使用“视觉道具”进一步探索这一理念,询问他们在坑中的时间(记住第2步),需要发生什么才能让他们向山顶移动一点点,他们昨天的感觉如何等等。你不需要昂贵的艺术材料;你可以在浴缸边用剃须泡沫画一条线,在喝茶的时候用一根意大利面,但要让它“真实”,因为这样你更有可能让你的孩子参与到你正在讨论的想法中。它为有意义的交流开启了一个全新的世界。

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第5步。你的每一次呼吸(他们会看着你)

不管你的孩子多大,他们都在观察你,并从你的日常工作中学习(是的,即使是十几岁的孩子,他们只是擅长隐藏自己的想法)。多年的研究提醒我们,说“照我说的做,不要照我做的做”是非常没有意义的。以身作则是最有效的育儿技巧之一,所以你的谈话工具的第五步就是模仿你想让你的孩子学习的谈话技巧。

有时候,在学校接孩子的时候,把你的日常生活告诉他们,而不是不停地问他们的问题。如果你的孩子很平静,在一个好的位置,也许准备好了说话,但不知道如何开始,描述你的困境和困难的情绪,以及你的胜利。这样,你就告诉他们,在你的家庭中,所有的事情都在谈话议程上(当然,你分享的程度会随着你在谈话中是成年人而有所节制)。

步骤6。不要放弃

沟通技巧是一个不断进步的过程,所以除非我们练习,否则我们无法发展这些能力。婴幼儿只有在听到并有机会和你经常练习的情况下才能流利地说外语。学习有意义的谈话的艺术也是如此——这种谈话可以巩固关系。重复,重复,重复是任何神经学家描述技能形成的口头禅。养成一个好习惯需要大约四个月的时间,所以用这六个步骤来养成和孩子交谈的习惯吧!....几年后,你将帮助你的年轻人变得有自我意识,并与伴侣、朋友和同事形成终身健康的关系。

不是每一次对话都能顺利进行,即使你在这六个步骤中所描述的基调和设定都是“正确的”。有时,无论如何,它会变得梨形,但你与你的孩子建立联系的每一个真正的出价都会被仔细地归档在他们的“如何建立关系”数据库中。这一切都很重要,这一切都很重要。所以,为自己的尝试而自豪,或者更好的是,和你的孩子一起注意到,即使今天没有按计划进行,你们也都尝试了,然后……砰!你们刚刚进行了一次令人难以置信的谈话。

如何与你的孩子进行令人难以置信的对话

Jane Gilmour和Bettina Hohnen是临床心理学家和对神经心理学感兴趣的专家学者。他们的新书《如何与你的孩子进行令人难以置信的对话该书于10月21日出版,由杰西卡·金斯利出版,售价14.99英镑。看看他们的Instagram页面@incredibleconversation想了解更多细节和建议,请听他们的播客我们心中的孩子

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